Look, sometimes I cook food, and I’ve had people tell me it’s pretty good.
“It’s pretty good.”
—Greg, my partner, who is in no way biased
This recipe takes me an hour (because I keep making stuff up as I go), but will probably take you 30mins to an hour. But the key to any good cooking is frequent tasting throughout, so it might take you an hour too.
There are no photos. It’s a flat noodle pasta in a creamy mushroom sauce. Use your imagination.
You will need:
- 5 big flat mushy bois. About 320 grams
- 2 small onions (or one absolute unit)
- 1/2 a bulb of garlic. I’m not here to tell you 1 or 2 cloves. You’re in the big leagues now.
- Butter (2 tablespoons should do you, but just get a block anyway)
- Olive oil
- Bit of flour
- 2 cubes chicken stock
- White vinegar (we’ll use no more than a cup)
- Fettuccine pasta (I did about 2.5 “servings”)
- Cream (we’ll use about half a 300mL small bottle)
And in the kitchen:
- Big ole pan. Go for a wide, big heavy bottomed one. It doesn’t have to be non-stick.
- Medium to large saucepan
- Two medium-sized bowls
- Choppy board and trusty knife
- A whisk
- A spatula (if you’re using a non-stick pan make sure you don’t use metal utensils, you monster)
- A jug
Let’s get cookin’
→ Slice all the mushys. Depending on how much you like the texture of mushrooms, go as thick or as thin as you want. (I went for thin, bc I hate the texture of mushrooms.)
→ Put it in Bowl #1
+ 2 onions
+ 1/2 bulb garlic
→ Dice finely
→ Just leave it there
+ Sliced mushys
→ Toast them on high heat in a dry big ole pan. The purpose here is to toast off as much water as we can.
→ Once they go dark and shrunk and the pan has a thin mushroom coating, empty them back into Bowl #1
→ Take the pan off the heat, let it cool a little so you don’t burn the butter
+ A generous blob of butter. The more butter you use the more pro at cooking you are.
→ Put pan on medium-high heat
→ Chuck the diced onions and garlic in
→ Fry until soft
+ 1 tablespoon-ish flour, sprinkled on the onions
+ Olive oil if you need, enough so it’s not dry
→ Keep frying until lightly browned
+ Bowl of mushys
→ Mix thoroughly and then leave it to do other shit
→ Remember to stir occasionally, adding butter/olive oil as needed so it doesn’t dry out
+ 1 cube of chicken stock
+ A generous splash of white vinegar (1/2 cup? 2/3 cup? honestly idk)
+ The same amount of warm/hot water
→ Whisk until cube is dissolved
→ Add in the vinegar/stock mixture
→ Turn the heat down to medium-low
→ Leave it!
→ Put some water on boil for the pasta. I boil all water in the jug because it’s more power efficient. Only boil as much as you need (1.5–2 litres should be enough).
→ Salt the bottom generously. It will feel like too much salt.
→ Put the saucepan on medium heat so that the pan can slowly heat up as the water boils.
→ Turn pan down to low
+ ~100mL cream, more or less depending on your taste for creaminess. Add a little bit at a time, taste, and add a little more.
→ Mix it, taste it
+ Some pepper, why not
→ Once the jug boils, put the saucepan on high heat
+ Boiling water
+ Olive oil, a teaspoon or w/e
→ Put the lid on
→ Wait until the water is at a hard and heavy rolling boil
+ The right* amount of fettuccine
→ Make sure those bastards don’t stick together. I usually stand over the pot with a pair of chopsticks, separating devilish bits of stuck-together pasta as it cooks. Your pedantry may vary.
→ Cook until desired dente-ness
+ 1 cube chicken stock
+ like half a cup or so of pasta water
→ Whisk until dissolved
→ Taste the sawce
+ Stock mixture depending on how much saltiness it needs. I ended up adding the whole thing but your tastes will vary
+ Pasta, drained
→ Mix thoroughly
+ More stock, or acid, or cream, or pasta water depending on taste and texture
… And you’re done! Serve it with little bits of finely chopped parsley to really prove your gourmetness (and don’t forget to ~swirl~ the pasta with the tongs as you drop it on a plate).