summer in munich

31, 32, 35
it's summer in munich
and this evening air is stifling
wrapped around my body like
a substitute for a lover

there were times in my life
when the world felt so big, and so full
clear as a crystal day
infinite
and ready to be taken
but right now it's summer in munich
and my world has never felt smaller
or more empty
(surely there's a german word for
when you feel simultaneously
claustrophobic
but gaping with space)

i have a theory
that if the emptiness gets big enough
it starts to feel heavy
has mass
has gravity
starts to squeeze you in from all sides
making you smaller
and the emptiness bigger
feeding

whenever i stay too long in one place
i feel the squeeze
i start to panic
if i stay any longer in this city,
i will die here
and i don't know if i want to die here

it's summer in munich and
everyone's fuel tanks are low
in the economical sense, and
the metaphorical one
there's something about the long days here
that burns the candle at both ends
but quietly, like after 8pm, or on a sunday,
until before you know it
three years have passed
and i swear if i stay here any longer
i will die here
and i don't know if i want to die here

summer sunsets in munich are crimson and beautiful and it
pisses
me
off
because all i'm thinking about is how
i thought i'd have a family by now
and i'm no where near having a family
and my parents are aging
and i can only love those who can't love me
and
i don't know where i want to die

31, 32, 35
it's summer in munich
and the evening air is... nice
a welcome respite from the thick heat of the day
i arrive at my flat
i prepare for tomorrow